Abhay's Bhay

The sun shines brightly in the clear blue summer sky with some scattered wispy clouds. The heat is still gentle in the early hours of Sunday. Tall trees on the roadsides of the sub-urban neighborhood sway leisurely in the breeze. Walking on the footpath, Deepak tries to find the entrance to the gym of the local school. His hands clench and unclench, his brow carrying a light sheen of sweat as he moves through the street.

He opens the double doors to the building and walks in, his eyes struggle to adjust to the dimness of the indoors. He walks through the empty corridor trying to remember the directions his wife had given him. Walk straight, turn right through the first corridor, and go through the doors. He is greeted by the noise of people chattering and a bunch of kids squealing in a huge empty gymnasium. 

To his left he sees some half dozen kids fenced off with play pen, occupied with balls, toys, and other knick-knacks. A woman sits among them with a beverage in her hands and a gentle smile adorning her face while she watches the kids play. To his right he sees a bunch of men chatting around a circle of chairs. Behind them is a bench with coffee, some donuts, and cookies. On the wall behind the bench, written in a very casual hand and decorated with random glitters and painted handprints, hung a sign that reads “Dads Are Us”. The crafting skill matches Deepak’s own.

One of the guys notices him entering and jogs over to him, “You must be Deepak. Aditi said you’d come by today. Glad you could make it and welcome to the meeting!” He smiles brightly, offering his hand to shake. 

“Yeah, you must be Piyush. Vandana mentioned to find you.” Deepak takes his hand, noticing a sticker on his shirt with his name.

“Yes, yes. I understand this might be odd for you but give it a chance and see how you feel.” Piyush says reassuringly, the smile on his lips warm.

Deepak doesn’t know how to respond, so he just nods with a pursed smile.

“Daaaady!! Vipul stole my dollll!!” comes a high-pitched squeaky voice of a little girl from the other corner of the gym.

“Oh gosh, Vipul be nice to your sister!” Piyush yells back, his hand finding his forehead. “Please excuse me for a second. You should go ahead and grab a coffee and help yourself with donuts. I’ll be there in a jiffy.” 

Without waiting for a response Piyush walks towards the kids’ leaving Deepak standing. He turns towards the coffee table and walks around the circle of chairs. There were a dozen chairs setup and 6 of them were occupied with men talking and laughing loudly. All men had stickers on their shirts as well. All of them wore shorts or comfy trousers with running shoes. He looked down to see he himself was wearing a similar attire. He fit in easily. Next to the coffee is a pile of stickers and sketch pens. He writes down his name and places it on his left breast. He approaches the circle with a cup of coffee in hand. One man has the groups attention, his hands moving wildly with his words. Squinting, Deepak reads that his tag says Roy.

“This one has 3200 rpms compared to my last one which on its best day barely touched 2800. No complaints with this purchase.” Roy concludes, his one hand in the pockets of his camo trousers.

“That’s fascinating. Don’t ever talk about lawn mowers again please.” Responds the guys sitting next to him, his big biceps exposed through his sleeveless t-shirt.

“Oh, piss off Divon.” Roy mutters.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” All the men sitting around Roy including Divon start making an air-horn noise while pointing at him. Deepak is shaken by the sudden noise, his coffee almost spilling out.

“Come on guys.” Roy says defeated, throwing his arms up in the air while getting up. 

“You know the rules amigo.” says a guy sitting down, almost lounging. His name tag reads Diego.

Roy walks over to the coffee table and puts something in a jar labelled “Mean Jar”. 

“Already?” exclaims Piyush as he walks up behind Deepak. 

“Can’t say I’m surprised.” Says a guy sitting with Diego. He’s wearing plaid shirt and shorts; his tag reads Jamal.  

“All of y’all can take your opinions and shove them up your—” 

“Thats enough Roy. The meeting hasn’t even started yet. Don’t be making a fool of yourself.” says a guy sitting cross armed between Roy and Diego, his voice booming. “And if you hadn’t noticed, we have someone new today.” 

Everyone turns to Deepak. His face heats up as he meets everyone’s eyes and manages a weak smile and waves his hand lightly.

“Thank you Petey. I was about to introduce him to the group.” Piyush says exasperated. “Gentlemen! This is Deepak, the guy I told you about yesterday.” All the guys nod and raise their cups towards him. 

Deepak raises his own cup with uncertainty, “Uh, thank you for having me.” He mutters.

“Let’s have a seat gentleman,” Petey gets up and waits for others to get settled. His salt and pepper hair were combed back in a slick manner. He had a thick moustache that gave his face character. He looked in his early fifties. His glasses were tinted at the top. His pleaded shirt and jean shorts gave him the suburban dad vibe that everyone here seems to be transforming into. “So, Deepak, this is our 56^th monthly meeting of Dads are Us. A safe space for fathers to come together…” screams from the children’s side of the gym interrupt him, “and just talk. Over there is my lovely wife Cheryl looking after the young ones so that we can have an hour of just ‘us-time’.” He waves at her; she waves back with a warm smile and is immediately drawn into another conversation by a kid.

“Ok then lads, let’s begin this meeting.” Petey declares. 

All the men, except Deepak, lean forward and say in unison, “I love my kids. They are the best thing that happened to me.”

“OK! Who’d like to start?” Diego says, rubbing his hands.

“I’d go.” Divon says. Everyone quiets down and leans in.

“Tara turned 4 two weeks ago.” He begins, eyes on his hands, hands on his lap facing up. “On her birthday, Mia and I took her out to the park in the morning. I remember as a child that used to be my favorite thing to do with my mom. Mia and I packed a whole picnic with cake and all. Had to make sure there were no screens around.” He chuckles, eyes unfocused.

“She had tons of fun! We played frisbee, had hoola-hoops. Mia had set up a plan for her friends from kindergarten to visit us for a birthday celebration later in the evening. Tara even said she doesn’t miss her iPad!”

All men look at each other, brows raised.

“I love seeing her enjoy the real world. The way her little toes flex in the grass, the way she gets distracted midsentence by a falling leaf while talking to me. It probably doesn’t even mean anything to her. She won’t remember any of this. It means everything to me though.” His eyes twinkle, reliving the fond memory.

“It’s strange. Growing up I never thought about the kind of stuff my mother dealt with. She had their whole life before having us. Now that I have Tara, it gives me an insight into what my mum was dealing with when she had us. I couldn’t be prouder of how strong of a woman she is.”

Everyone raised their cups of coffee in a silent cheer.

“Every day more of Tara’s personality shines. Some days she loves dinosaurs, some days dinosaurs are only for boys. Some days she wants to cook us a meal, some days she wants to hire a chef so none of us must cook.” He laughs to himself, “Best parts of my days are waking her up in the morning and tucking her in bed at night.” He rubs his neck absently while grinning at nothing, “Mia and I are thinking… that maybe… it’s time to get Tara a little brother or sister.”

Every man cheers! The noise from the kids’ section is momentarily drowned by the men. Diego claps Divon’s back while others nod encouragingly.

James leans in, “That’s a big decision man.”

Deepak finds himself nodding.

“Nothing has been finalized yet. But I know, if we bring another child into this world, it will be loved.” Divon declares.

All men raise their cups of coffee in solidarity.

“I love my kids. They are the best thing that happened to me.” They chant.

The sound of shoes squeaking on the polished gym floor echoed through the giant space. Deepak glances at the kids’ section, watching them entertain themselves with a ball, a few blocks and plastic sticks being used as swords. A couple running around in a chase. Cheryl sat with her own beverage, talking to the younger ones. He couldn’t help smiling. The gym’s open windows show the blue skies are getting fluffy white clouds.

“Who wants to go next?” Petey asks.

“I’d go.” Roy volunteers, raising his hand, smoothening his moustache.

“Dany has been a pain in the ass since he turned 14.” He shakes his head lightly. “No matter what I think is the right thing to say or do, I always seem to be wrong.” He sighs.

“When he was about 7, his favorite thing in the world was to go fishing with his dad. We’d go up to the lake by our cottage, take the boat out. His mum would give us a nice lunch of some sandwiches and drinks, we’d take the boat out in the middle of the lake and just sit, enjoying nature. He was filled with questions, that little rascal.” He laughs to himself.

“Daddy daddy, if I try hard will I grow gills? Then I’ll be able to swim with the fishes, right?” Roy mimics a high-pitched voice. “I don’t know where that child of mine went. Instead, now I have this boy who is always mad at me for talking to him. Last week I tried to surprise the rascal.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.” Roy gets up again, stomps towards the coffee table to put the money in the jar and comes back to continue, “So, I try to surprise him by planning a fishing trip with just him and I. No mommy, no little Krissy. Just us boys. You know what he said?”

He looks at all men. Deepak doesn’t have a good feeling.

“He said, ‘Fishing is boring. Only boring people do it.’” Roy deflates.

Everyone winces.

“Broke my heart.” He shakes his head to himself.

“Did you go to the trip?” Deepak finds himself asking.

“I did go! No way I was going to let that twerp mess up my mood for long. I took the dog and went up. And you know what? The dog was a better companion.” Roy laughs hard at his own joke, slapping his knee.

All men nod. A moment hangs.

“When Gil was young,” Petey speaks, his eyes low, “him and I enjoyed fishing too. When he became a teenager, it was like the world was his enemy and somehow, I was the world in human form.” His hand on his chest, eyes still distant. Then he meets Roy’s eyes, “You aren’t doing anything wrong Roy, it’s the age that gets their brains nutty. I bet you know that.”

Deepak notices the air in the circle change. All men’s gaze drop, a small smile on their faces.

Petey looks at Deepak, “Gilbert was my son. He passed away some six years ago at the age of 24. Car accident.” A sad smile on his face, pain in his eyes.

Deepak’s heart aches. He would not have imagined such a tragedy befell someone like Petey. His eyes seek Cheryl in the corner.

Silence.

A stray ball rolls over from the back. Piyush picks it up and throws it back.

“Bet you were no angel child yourself, eh Roy?” James says.

“Baah, of course not. I bet I was a nightmare. But I was deathly afraid of my pops. Ain’t no way I would’ve called him boring, he would’ve split me in half and hung for the bird to feeds.” Roy roars and starts laughing loudly. Everyone smiles.

Roy calms down, a gentle smile adorning his lips, “The fact remains, I love my kid.” He looks up, “Best thing that happened to me.” All men chime in to finish the sentence.

The tension clears. The men laugh with him, nodding along. Deepak smiles, he did not know what he was expecting but this was something entirely new to him.

“Would you like to go next?” Piyush asks, looking at Deepak. All men’s eyes turn to him. He freezes, his hand holding the coffee cup shaking. He feels a hand on his shoulder. Petey meets his eyes and nods encouragingly, a gentle smile on his lips.

“I… I don’t even know where to begin.” He blurts out, flabbergasted, face heating up.

“Take your time.” Divon says coolly.

“This is your space.” James encourages.

Moments pass. Children’s squeals and laughter echo in the empty space. Deepak takes a sip of his coffee and sits up straight. His own childhood going through his mind, his spirit dampening.

“Three weeks ago, my wife Vandana found out she is pregnant.”

He pauses and takes another sip. No one speaks.

“We have been married for a year and a half now. Our parents had been asking for a grandchild since the day we decided to get married. But…” His brows furrow, “we had plans. We had ambitions. I want to finish my Doctorate. She wanted to travel. Children were never a part of the plan for at least three years.”

He shuts his eyes close tight.

“One morning she woke up feeling nauseous, things didn’t add up to why she was feeling sick. She takes the test, it’s positive.” He grimaces, his cheeks reddening, “I am not proud of how I acted. I asked her to check again. She checked three times. Positive every time. She wants to keep the child. I do not know how to feel.” His head lowers, shoulder slack.

“I never had a good relationship with my father. It is barely a relationship. It’s always been whatever he says is what needs to be done. My own teenage rebellious stage was me getting pelted with constant criticism.” He finds his hand is on his chest, feeling his heart beating fast, “So many nights my mother tried to convince me that my father loves me. He doesn’t know how to express himself. I know how messed up I am because of how I was raised. I do not know if I’ll ever be able to do a better job than he did with me.”

Deepak looks at the men, expecting a look of disgust. He is surprised to find only concern in the eyes of the men he is surrounded with.

A moment hangs.

“Have you…” Piyush speaks, “Have you told Vandana about how you’re feeling?”

“I…” Deepak begins, “I have been trying. But I do not know how to convey what I’m feeling. I do not know what I’m feeling.” He says exasperated.

“My dad wasn’t around when I was growing up.” Diego mentions, his eyes sad but sincere.

“Neither was mine.” Divon joins, “You do not represent your father’s failings, you know that right?”

Deepak is silent, his eyes hard.

“How has your wife been since finding out?” James asks.

“My wife has been a rock.” Deepak nods, “She… she sees something in me that I do not. She tells me I am not my father. I want to believe her. I sooo want to believe her. But something inside tells me I shouldn’t.”

Silence hangs.

“If I may.” Divon says, looking at Deepak, “No one knows if they are good enough man. Unlike you I always wanted kids. When Mia was pregnant with Tara I was over the moon. I thought this parenting thing would be a piece of cake. But when Tara was born, I can’t even count how many times I wanted to run away. Mia told me the same thing. Kids are a lot of work!”

Everyone nods. Deepak’s heart tightens more.

“However,” Divon continues, “raising Tara made me learn so many things about myself that I never would have learnt another way. You think having a partner makes you learn about selflessness? A child will teach you what unconditional love is!”

All men nod in agreement. Deepak sits in silence.

“We all are just trying to do our best kid. We don’t know what life has in store for us. All we can do is try our best.” Petey says, “Tell me, do you love your wife?”

“To the moon and back.” Deepak says without hesitation.

“Will she love your child?”

He smiles, “Unconditionally.”

“Then you just be there for her and follow her lead, eh?” Petey smiles, putting a hand on his shoulder, “I mean, you’re here, aren’t you?”

Deepak’s heart lightens, shoulders lose tension. He looks up to the roof in thought as more squeaks and squeals fill the gymnasium.

“You guys are great.” He admits.

All men cheer, raising their cups again.

Deepak speaks with more confidence, “I know I’ll love my kid.”

“They’re the best thing that happened to me.” Everyone chimes automatically and the group bursts into laughter.

“Thanks for sharing kid.” Petey pats his shoulder again as the conversation drifts. Deepak feels better, he needs to hug and thank Vandana. This was a good idea.

“Who wants to go next?” asks James and Diego raises his hand.

They all settle in again, listening to Diego’s account. Deepak leans back, feeling relaxed for the first time this morning. He looks to the window, sunlight bursting in with a dazzling gleam.

Time to leave arrives. As Deepak stands, Roy calls out, “You’re gonna do fine, kid. Just remember, the trick to being a great dad isn’t being perfect—it’s just showing up.”
Deepak grins, holding his coffee cup high. “Thanks, guys. I’ll remember that.”

The future looks bright.