Abhay's Bhay

What did you dream of last night? Whenever I ask someone this question, their eyes unfocus ever so slightly as their mind tries to remember. Ultimately, 95% of people just say, “I don’t remember”. The remaining 5% though, would always give the wackiest of answers. “I was riding a shark and then remembered I can’t breathe under water so had to let go” was one of my favourite responses. Dreaming has been a constant human experience regardless of where a person is born or raised. There are multiple studies on the internet about why we dream and what they could mean. As interesting as all of that is, I have been more keen towards understanding the narrative that a dream takes.

This summer, I decided to start a dream journal. It was to curb a curiosity. As someone who is obsessed with stories and storytelling – firstly, I wanted to see how much of my dreams I can remember and secondly, I was curious to make narrative sense out of it. I have managed to force a habit successfully and now have a written record of my thoughts and feelings. Some days I remember more than others. How I remember things is strange as well. It is never a consistent narrative. I remember bits of a dream; the transition from one bit to another is always foggy when I wake up. Some bits however, have been important/weird enough for me to remember and reflect on.

One such bit is – I’m in downtown Vancouver near the harbour. I see that in the harbour itself there is a pod of whales. I think to myself ‘I must go hang out with them’. Dream me knows I can’t swim though. I think, ‘well, a close friend of mine lives here who is a great swimmer’. I go get him and we’re on our way. We’re walking, and I think to myself, ‘it’s good that I have him here. It’ll be better if I had something I can float on water with while hanging out with the whales’. I spot a yellow paddle board. I grab it and we’re on our way again. En route, I see a fluffy white sheep. I think to myself, ‘I bet this sheep has never seen whales either’. So I grab the sheep on my left, yellow paddle board on my right, my friend is there, and we’re off again. About to reach the harbour I think, ‘I bet my mum has never seen whales either. This will be a cool moment to share with her’. So, my friend, the sheep, the yellow paddle board and myself go to her, and I ask her to join us. After a long dialogue of convincing her, she finally agrees. Finally, myself, my friend, my mum, the sheep on my left and the yellow paddle board on my right make our way to the harbour! We finally arrive there and the whales aren’t there anymore.

I remember thinking in the dream ‘Damn, there is definitely a metaphor here somewhere’. When I woke up and reflected on the dream, I remember feeling hollow. It felt like an opportunity was missed. I still stand by the choices I made in the dream, especially bringing the sheep to hang out with the whales. I can also agree though, had I just gone to see the whales and not gather the fellowship, I might’ve succeeded in chilling with the whales. However, I might’ve drowned immediately as well. Guess I’m choosing to look at it as a story where I had fun on the journey regardless of the destination.

Another bit from a dream I’d like to share is – I’m working at a kiosk with a few of my colleagues and we’re talking, having a good time. From somewhere our manager emerges and the chatter dies. He comes to me, hands me the schedule and walks away without another word. I don’t think much of it and move to hang the schedule where everyone can see it. I put it up and notice I have not been scheduled to work for the coming two weeks. I am furious. Livid even. I’ve talked with the manager about my availability and this has happened before. I take off after him. I’m in the streets following him thinking of everything I have to say to him. I yell out his name, he turns and says, “What is this about?”. I’m about to unleash the rudeness when out of nowhere I remember I had quit a week ago. All the anger and aggression just leaves me and I go numb. I turn around without a word and walk back to the kiosk. I’m trying to tell my colleagues what just happened but they keep talking over me once, twice, thrice.

Usually I’d be upset, but I remember thinking ‘It doesn’t matter anyway’. When I woke up and reflected, I just felt sad. I was so angry in the dream, so ready to fight for anything, yet when I realized I wasn’t going to be at that job any longer, it didn’t matter. When awake, the anger meant nothing at all. My last day at that job was a week before I had that dream. Every one of my colleagues, except the manager, showed up for drinks that night and we had a grand time reminiscing on the journey and wishing for a great new chapter. Funnily enough, I had toasted to the manager for uniting all of us in a mutual dislike for him. He did bring us together. And after that day, he did not matter at all. That is why him appearing in a dream and bringing out those emotions in me made me feel sorrowful.

Overall, I don’t really understand what these dreams are supposed to be. Are they just randomness that my brain made up [literally]? Or a deliberate construction of my subconscious trying to teach me something [possibly]? Or am I over-complicating things by over-thinking [definitely]? Honestly, I have no clue. I’m not an expert. What I do know now is that what I remember the most is how I ‘feel’ in the dream when I wake up. And these feelings are complicated things. Since our worldview is unique to us, our perception of feelings and how we feel things is unique to us. I have no control over where my dream is taking me when I’m asleep. However, I do have some control where my life is taking me when I’m awake. I do not want to feel Hollow, Angry, Numb or Sorrowful when I’m awake either. That is something I can work upon while I’m awake. Still, I’m going to acknowledge the wackiness of the dream land and continue journaling for the sake of pure curiosity. So, let’s keep on dreaming for ourselves and find our own meaning in it.